Yes I have a dirty mind. But these same thoughts have launched a million Bon Jovi fan fiction ships. So many of you are not only coming down into the gutter with me, but you're moving in down the street.
And I am the neighborhood welcome committee.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
James Greene Jr.
Christmas music: okay in small doses and generally inconsequential…unless a charity is somehow involved. Such was the case with 1987′s A Very Special Christmas, the Jimmy Iovine-produced Yuletide compilation that invited a smattering of pop stars like Whitney Houston, Madonna, and Sting to record holiday standards for the benefit of the Special Olympics. The altruistic exercise proved a big hit, raising garbage trucks of money for the SO and spawning six or seven sequel albums. This first entry was the best, though, just like any given movie franchise or potato chip or shot of heroin.
Look, I’m not saying I didn’t love Chris Cornell’s rendition of “Ava Maria” on 1997′s A Very Special Christmas 3, but…ah…okay, listen, I’ve made enough jokes at Chris Cornell’s expense this year. I should give the poor fella a break during the holidays. Merry Christmas, Spoonman!
So what did A Very Special Christmas Part One give us? A timeless, chicken fried performance of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” from John Cougar Mellencamp. Madonna reigning it in for a cute and faithful run-through of Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby”. A U2 version of “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”, the only known recording of Bono that doesn’t make me want to drive hot skewers through my eyes. And, of course, Bon Jovi’s Aqua Net-laced cover of “Back Door Santa”, the obvious weakest cut amidst all the cheery December din. Don’t get me wrong: sexually suggestive Christmas music has its place in society, but on a pop compilation attempting to raise money for the Special Olympics with Keith Haring cover art? Even as a kid, I recognized this tune about sneaking in some hot mama’s rear entrance was inappropriately placed.
On top of that, ugh, Bon Jovi, your friggin’ keyboardist! It feels like the trashiest hooker in Orange, New Jersey, is jabbing me in the ear with her stiletto every time I hear that WANK WANK WANK WANK WANKWANKWANKWANK on the digitized keys.
The irony, of course, is that Run-D.M.C. sampled the original Clarence Carter version of “Back Door Santa” for their Very Special Christmas contribution, “Christmas in Hollis”. The result (AVSC’s only original composition) was a completely non-sexual and staggeringly awesome hip hop Noel creation, a stone cold Xmas classic if ever there was one. The most satisfying Christmas present I received in 1987—aside from my Peter Venkman action figure—was hearing the deep record scratch in “Hollis” that intro’d Daryl McDaniels’ deliciously hard verse about eating collard greens, drinking egg nog, and busting “Chris-MAS CAROLS!”
But I digress. Validating the shittiness of Bon Jovi’s sleaze-tastic “Back Door Santa”: the song was swapped out for Jovi’s tamer “I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas” on later pressings of A Very Special Christmas. No official reason was ever given, but I think we all could imagine an uncomfortable scene wherein Special Olympics officials and/or participants were listening to Jonny B croak thinly veiled metaphors about getting in his lady’s butt. Lord in Heaven above, Bon Jovi! No one wants to hear about your third input desires, especially on Christmas Day!
The sad part of this story? Jon Bon Jovi was recently appointed to some dippy White House Council for “community solutions” by our half-black president while the surviving members of Run-D.M.C. are currently spending their days slumming with folks like Jackyl. I can only assume Obama’s a secret fan of Bon Jovi’s other musical Christmas abomination, Christmas in the Stars (a.k.a. the Star Wars Christmas album). That 1980 embarrassment was actually the first pro recording young John Bongiovi ever appeared on.
Which begs one question: when will America see a Jon Bon Jovi/R2-D2 singing reunion? 2012? Hope so. That robot’s only got a few good years left in him.
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