Here are the Jon Bon Jovi spoilers:
By Dustin Rowle
A couple of years ago, the success of the Valentine’s Day film, She’s Just Not That Into You spawned the new romantic dramedy subgenre, The All-Star Clusterfuck Rom-Com, the unofficial sequel of which was last year’s Valentine’s Day. Later this year, another iteration of these movies is set to come out, New Year’s Day, which will star a massive collection of A- and B-list talent, each of whom will do two days of lazy, half-assed film in New York. Garry Marshall, who is directing New Year’s Day, will then take each of the 10 different subplots and edit them into a series of tenuously related shitty vignettes all revolving around New Year’s Eve.
Obviously, with as many stars as these movies have, and with as many subplots that are involved, it’s impossible to flesh out any of the characters or the storylines, so there’s a great deal of typecasting involved. There needs to be an instant connection with these characters because there’s no time to develop that connection, so we have a good idea of these characters’ motivations before we even see the trailer. As such, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how all the little subplots will work themselves out. All you need to know is the name of the star, the one-sentence description of his or her character, and the setting. If you know that much, and if you’ve seen the previous two films (and Love, Actually), you can basically write the damn films yourself.
However, the casting for each of the 15 players involved has occurred over the course of the last six months or so. But, if you spend a few hours tracking down all of the available press releases from the various trade news sites, it becomes very easy to put the entire puzzle together. It’s like one of those toddler’s puzzles with 15 very large, clearly marked pieces. It’s screen writing for dummies.
That’s what I’ve done here. I’ve assembled the puzzle, drew some very obvious conclusions, and spliced it all together below, no more or less sloppily than Garry Marshall will. I am certain that I’m accurate on at least 90 percent of the subplots, so I suppose — speculative though it may be — spoiler warnings are in order.
This, folks, is the entire plot to New Year’s Eve. Note that, to save confusion, I use only the actors’ real names instead of their character names, although most of those are available as well. Check back on December 9th, if you’d like, to confirm how completely accurate this is.
Recording Studio
Jon Bon Jovi and Katherine Heigl: Bon Jovi, appropriately, plays a musician scheduled to play in Times Square at midnight. However, he runs into an old girlfriend, Katherine Heigl, who is catering an event at the recording studio. They have a brief moment in which they reconnect, but circumstances pull them apart. She returns to catering, and he plays his Times Square show. However, after the show, Jon Bon Jovi shows up at the recording studio, where Katherine Heigl is cleaning up, and he professes his love for her.
Lea Michelle &Ashton Kutcher: Lea Michelle plays one of Jon Bon Jovi’s back-up singers. Ashton Kutcher plays a friend to Jon Bon Jovi. As they are leaving the recording studio, they get stuck in an elevator together. They initially hate one another and spend much of their time cutting each other down. That is, until they realize how well they know each other, make a connection, kiss, and accompany one another to Times Square, where Michelle does back-up duties for Jon Bon Jovi.
Michelle Pfieffer: Pfeiffer plays a bitter, put-upon secretary at the recording studio where Jon Bon Jovi is recording. However, she has a run of bad luck (she’s nearly ran over by a cab) and decides to quit her job. She enrolls the assistance of Zac Efron, who is a bike courier that routinely delivers to the studio. He helps her tackle all of her New Year’s Resolutions from the previous year before midnight. Pfieffer and Efron end up becoming good friends over the course of the evening.
Hector Elizondo: Elizondo is retired, and used to be in charge of maintaining the New Year’s Eve ball. When it malfunctions, Elizondo is called in to assist Hillary Swank. He helps to fix it, but on his way out of Times Square, he has a chance encounter with Michelle Pfieffer.
The Sister’s Wedding and Times Square
****
The only thing I haven’t figured out yet is what song Jon Bon Jovi will play in Time’s Square.
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